Promises

The beautiful picture of God's promise was on full display as I drove near work this morning. Lauren Daigle's new single "You say" was beating through the stereo and I just smiled and laughed and cried little tears of joy as I saw the amazing sight of a bright rainbow lighting my way to work. It was just simply amazing and the reminder that I needed to see and hear and experience.

The song speaks of the promises and truth of who I am when I am found in Christ. I may feel like I am not enough and that I am weak, but there is power in the truth of His promises that I am loved no matter what. As I've been navigating the new schools I work at now, it's been altogether hard and wonderful at the same time. This small moment came at the end of an exhausting week and the rainbow even lasted long enough for me to snap this photo after parking. I had to share the awesome feeling I felt with two of my new colleagues first thing this morning. Though the previous days had been difficult, in that moment I had a new beginning and energy to feel like I could conquer anything that came my way. Praise God!

Summertime

Before kids, Monday nights during the summertime meant a weekly game of ultimate in the social league of the St. Louis Ultimate Association (SLUA). Discs flying, sweating, a bunch of people coming together for the spirit of the game, then off to a local venue for beers and socializing (hence the term social league). This is how Addison and I got to know each other.

Post-kids, this past Monday's evening events included an impromptu trip to the local library. My words to Addison before I hopped in the minivan were, "I'm a nerd. I'm going to the library." It's funny how life's seasons change and along with that what I now use as a recreational outlet. Ken Follet's A Column of Fire is my current historical fiction read, if you'd like to know.

It's summertime and with that has brought our first family-of-five, cross-country road trip to visit family in New Mexico. Memorable moments en route included a picnic in a city park near Santa Rosa's Blue Hole, seeing fields of massive wind turbines, and of course the inaugural pulling off on the side of the interstate so that the aftermath of your oldest son getting car sick all over you can be cleaned up.

Yet, the hospitality and scenic views of the nearby mountains were all worth the 1100+ miles traveled. I was told to pack my swimsuit and hiking apparel, but didn't realize that meant hot-tubbing during our "parents' retreat" after all 5 kids had gone to bed. We never made that hike, but that wasn't really the point of our visit in the end. Little cousins played together and the bonds of siblinghood were strengthened.

Now that July is here, the heart of summer has arrived as well as my birthday month. I'm looking forward to making more fond memories and celebrating the 4th of July tomorrow. Cheers!

Surprise, it's twins!

Writing as a way to connect

The purpose I see behind this blogging project I began a few months ago is a way to connect with others and to share my story. I want to be known and heard. It’s true that we all have a unique and personal story that is different that anyone else’s. I want to invite you to learn a little bit more of mine.

I’ve been grappling with this new identity as a mom of twins and a son who is two years older. I have three boys. Some days it still hits me as a shock that I have twins. At a recent Costco trip an old colleague of Addison’s was there who he hadn’t seen in a few years. Her reaction at the news of twins still gets me sometimes. In a way, it really was a surprise that we were having twins, but I had three signs prior to the first ultrasound that confirmed two little people were growing inside me. First, the blood work came back with higher than expected levels of hCG, a pregnancy hormone. The nurse practitioner said it could just mean that I was further along that she thought. Ok, plausible, but this also happens when a mom is carrying twins. Next, I was already having really bad nausea that was worse than what I had had with Thad. Again, the possible medical explanation was that I might be having a girl because apparently that happens with girls. Well, maybe. But the last sign really had me wondering that it could be twins because my very good friend Megan who has identical twin boys told me that her clothes got really tight early on. This was also the case with me and at that point I told Addison that we might be having twins.

The day of the first ultrasound Addison was supposed to meet me at my doctor’s office so we could confirm my suspicion together, but he got held up in traffic. As the wand starting moving around my belly, the technician asked if I had been taking any fertility treatments and at that point I knew what she was going to say next. It was true! Tears welled up in my eyes at the thought of being a mom of twins. What joy and excitement. I called Addison afterwards and confirmed the news. I still wish he had been there to experience it with me, but it was a special moment that I’ll always have for myself.

Later, on the drive home stronger tears came, but this time as I knew that one day I would have to entrust my little ones to others to care for them. I’m a working mom and our family situation just doesn’t allow me to stay home. This is another part of my story that has been a real struggle. Not long ago I read an article in a magazine talking about how working moms shouldn’t be so hard on themselves. This is absolutely true and a part of my perfectionist identity that I just had to let go of this year. 

I was overwhelmed and didn’t know how I was going to be happy while constantly trying to manage everything in my life. I sought out counseling because I had a hard time coping with the trauma of the hospital stay after the twins were born. I had changed and the intensity of life was blacking out the light that Phineas and Ronan brought to our home.

In the beginning, I lived life in three hour cycles of diapering, feeding, burping, and cuddling before they slept. It was amazingly hard and a time of intense giving of myself. I felt so proud the first time I breastfed both by myself in the hospital. I felt confident and thought, “hey maybe I can actually do this twin mom thing.” And it’s true. I am a mom of twins and my story will forever be intwined with their lives.

Now that they have made it to their first birthday, I reflect back on this past year and am in awe of the journey I’ve been on thus far. At first I was just focused on surviving and now I”m trying to find habits and routines that bring joy and fulfillment to my life. Sharing this story is just one way that I’m reconnecting with the “old me” as I grow into my expanded role of “mommy.”

Here’s a poem I wrote during the early haze of the twins’ first weeks at home. Enjoy!

Katy

mom, mom of twins, mom of twin boys, mom of 3 boys. All under the age of three.

Writer, Wordsmith. Past blogger of study abroad experiences. Reader.

Grammar Girl.

Germanophile.

spiritual.

teacher.

A sometimes poet.

Home

A soft warm breeze flows into the room as I sit here. This sunroom in our home is a favorite spot to be as it allows you to enjoy the light and nature of the outdoors while still sitting on a cozy couch. The first time I was able to have the house to myself a few days after we were home from the hospital I remember turning off the A/C and flinging the windows wide open. Though it was July 3rd and warm, it didn't matter. I wanted to feel that same breeze that I feel today. I wanted to experience the sensations of the outdoors though I was stuck inside caring for preemie newborn twins. But more than anything it felt like freedom compared to living inside of Ronan's NICU room that Addison had nicknamed "the dark, windowless room that beeps."

Here in my home I could finally be the mom who has control over her domain. The nesting instinct had heightened when I had my boys there with me. Yes, I had done all the prep work I knew how to do and plan for before their arrival, but for me it was another thing to be in that same space with two more little people to share.

During that time I finally experienced the full sense of the word "homemaker." I wanted my home to be as warm, loving, and cozy as possible. Every nook of the house was fair game. The hutch in the kitchen, the piano with all its little vases and photographs, the breezeway that I determined would someday become my "she shed." All of it was seen with new eyes. The hospital stay had deprived me of many of the comforts of home and the time was ripe for me to take it back.

I felt so incredibly happy that day. I was living and loving the intensity of those moments at home. I thought, "this is my home, the place where I can be me." I had my own little newborn photo session with Phineas and Ronan. Look at how little they were!

For music fans out there, the song "This is Home" by Switchfoot became one of the songs on my playlist dubbed "The Soundtrack of my Life." Listen to it if you'd like. I had always liked the song beforehand, but the words had new meaning for me then.

Pink and Gray

Pink clouds. Well, gray clouds with pink light reflected onto them. That's what I saw when I let the news sink in that this birth was not going to be the way that I'd planned. I'd read the book Mothering Multiples in which they give the statistic that 50% of twin births are cesarean, but being the optimist, I was hopeful I wouldn't be that 1 in 2.

Tears came welling up, but these clouds were the sign from God that though there were dusky clouds in the sky, that wasn't the only thing to see. Though this medical intervention was necessary and my natural birth was no longer a viable option, the rose-colored light was visible and beaming with warmth.

In that moment I was alone in the room taking in this jilting news that was already foreshadowed in triage. Addison had left to get dinner as this was his chance to eat before "go time." These fluffy clouds of dark and light were reassuring me that there was a chance to find hope in hardship.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

Mom of Boys

My thoughtful sister gave me a t-shirt for my birthday which says "Mom of Boys." I am a mom of an almost 3-year old and twins who are 9 months old. Thad made me a mom, but the crucible of motherhood didn't hit me until the twins came on the scene. Suddenly, I know what it's like to be a juggler, but I've tried juggling before and had never got all 3 balls into the air at once.

I knew that I would have to ask for lots of help to make it through the newborn phase, but now I'm learning that asking for help for me personally has been much harder. I want to be that supermom who can do it all, but it really is a myth. In the intensity of transitioning into my expanded role as mom of boys, I endured much. Yet, I overcame much. This blog will be a place to reflect on my newfound state, to grieve the loss of my old one, and to find joy in the everyday slog of motherhood.