Surprise, it's twins!

Writing as a way to connect

The purpose I see behind this blogging project I began a few months ago is a way to connect with others and to share my story. I want to be known and heard. It’s true that we all have a unique and personal story that is different that anyone else’s. I want to invite you to learn a little bit more of mine.

I’ve been grappling with this new identity as a mom of twins and a son who is two years older. I have three boys. Some days it still hits me as a shock that I have twins. At a recent Costco trip an old colleague of Addison’s was there who he hadn’t seen in a few years. Her reaction at the news of twins still gets me sometimes. In a way, it really was a surprise that we were having twins, but I had three signs prior to the first ultrasound that confirmed two little people were growing inside me. First, the blood work came back with higher than expected levels of hCG, a pregnancy hormone. The nurse practitioner said it could just mean that I was further along that she thought. Ok, plausible, but this also happens when a mom is carrying twins. Next, I was already having really bad nausea that was worse than what I had had with Thad. Again, the possible medical explanation was that I might be having a girl because apparently that happens with girls. Well, maybe. But the last sign really had me wondering that it could be twins because my very good friend Megan who has identical twin boys told me that her clothes got really tight early on. This was also the case with me and at that point I told Addison that we might be having twins.

The day of the first ultrasound Addison was supposed to meet me at my doctor’s office so we could confirm my suspicion together, but he got held up in traffic. As the wand starting moving around my belly, the technician asked if I had been taking any fertility treatments and at that point I knew what she was going to say next. It was true! Tears welled up in my eyes at the thought of being a mom of twins. What joy and excitement. I called Addison afterwards and confirmed the news. I still wish he had been there to experience it with me, but it was a special moment that I’ll always have for myself.

Later, on the drive home stronger tears came, but this time as I knew that one day I would have to entrust my little ones to others to care for them. I’m a working mom and our family situation just doesn’t allow me to stay home. This is another part of my story that has been a real struggle. Not long ago I read an article in a magazine talking about how working moms shouldn’t be so hard on themselves. This is absolutely true and a part of my perfectionist identity that I just had to let go of this year. 

I was overwhelmed and didn’t know how I was going to be happy while constantly trying to manage everything in my life. I sought out counseling because I had a hard time coping with the trauma of the hospital stay after the twins were born. I had changed and the intensity of life was blacking out the light that Phineas and Ronan brought to our home.

In the beginning, I lived life in three hour cycles of diapering, feeding, burping, and cuddling before they slept. It was amazingly hard and a time of intense giving of myself. I felt so proud the first time I breastfed both by myself in the hospital. I felt confident and thought, “hey maybe I can actually do this twin mom thing.” And it’s true. I am a mom of twins and my story will forever be intwined with their lives.

Now that they have made it to their first birthday, I reflect back on this past year and am in awe of the journey I’ve been on thus far. At first I was just focused on surviving and now I”m trying to find habits and routines that bring joy and fulfillment to my life. Sharing this story is just one way that I’m reconnecting with the “old me” as I grow into my expanded role of “mommy.”

Here’s a poem I wrote during the early haze of the twins’ first weeks at home. Enjoy!

Katy

mom, mom of twins, mom of twin boys, mom of 3 boys. All under the age of three.

Writer, Wordsmith. Past blogger of study abroad experiences. Reader.

Grammar Girl.

Germanophile.

spiritual.

teacher.

A sometimes poet.